I always thought I am in touch with it but certainly I was not. If I am I won't be feeling like this at all.
That day, all he did was he told me he needed time for himself. I kinda don't like the idea but I understand why. And then he said he got a few minutes left before going to work, I reacted a little bit because I have something to tell him important. Instead of telling him what's the important thing to tell I told him I needed to be alone as well. I took off. Another person comes in, bugging me (as always). I placed in my status, "F*ck off!", I didn't realized he might be online still and he can read it. What I did, I signed off. I wrote a one line email saying, "Don't wake me up for the rest of the week...What made you think I got time...." (I know, I know, I know) I sound rude. I just couldn't write anything at all. With the body of the email, I just didn't know how to start it. So I send it off to him.
The important thing was that, I'm not ok. Doctor told me to give myself a rest. I am anemic because I loss my appetite, I couldn't sleep. Bottom line is im stressed. Doctor told me to at least give myself an 8 hour sleep. And doctor gave me sleeping pills to help. And I don't want him to know that because I wanted to continously be communicating with him. I don't want to give myself the chance to sleep so that I can talk to him.
For three years, I have loved a man that was way too far from where I am now. And it hurts not to see him everyday. He doesn't wanna write me email because it is not his thing. I have to push him to write me one. He rarely call. And the plan of coming here was moved because of his health. No matter how strong I am to hold on but it shows in my body that I am not ok. I got a time off to think what I really want and I know what I want. I need him because I love him that's what I want to happen in life.
I push myself to work for like 12 hours a day just to forget about it at least half of the entire day (24 hours). Everyday I end up sleeping for an hour because I'm so exhausted. Even on Sundays, I push myself to work just to stop thinking about it. It won't leave my mind because I'm involved with it 24/7. And I don't want him to know everything because I don't want him to stop waking me up every morning just to talk to me because there is no other way he can. He don't write emails, he doesn't call, he moved his plans of coming this year to next year, he does not send me any text messages. I don't want to take that hour of talking online even if I need to get up at 2 am. Even if I will have sleep for 4 or 5 hours daily.
Agony, pain. It will stop. I guess I should say I am OK.