Reflection: Wiser Thought

I was upset yesterday. It was clearly a misunderstanding, I think, it was definitely a clash of human reactions of what they want and what they don not want. Believe me or not, it took me to think about what I should and could have learned from that until 1am. I can not believe it was that long for me to realize that it was definitely non sense.

In the Office the Next Day, July 31, 2008.

She didn't say good morning to me when she came in. Or did she? Even though I was not able to set up the interview the other day, I was able to make them come again the next day to do the interview. I was glad I was able to do it. I have big ears and it can hear people talking behind my back. Not really that I have big ears physically but as a person like me who in everyday try to put that smile on her face, greeting everyone good morning, making her day as positive as possible for she know there will be a very long day of stress and pressures. I know when someone will talk something behind my back because I have somehow had a little arguement with this person. It is human nature to find someone to listen to her rant so I know she have said something, a line or two or more about how she felt about what had happened.

I expected all that to happen. I do not really feel bad when she will talk behind my back. I do not care at all for I know I have a reason why and I have the right to be upset. If that is very "not professional" or I was disrespectful, so be it. I have said my word and I have intentionally displayed that I am upset.

My thought in all of these are; you can never really dictate somehow what to do if she is not willing to do it. No matter if it will help her and the company per se, you simply could not pre-thought that she will agree with your demands even though she have wholeheartedly expressed she will help you before. Another wiser thought on what had happened, it is a typical reaction of someone who is not a pro at interviews to react as if it was the end of the world for her. Nobody wants to see themselves on tv even if she has dreamt about being on tv a hundred times, she would not be on tv when she said she will not be on tv.

Just another thought before the day ends.

I hope older people would also adjust in all situations and would not expect the younger people to adjust all the time. Education should always be a win-win education. Two people could have learned on the process. I hope.

It's not a One Man Show

A team is never going to be a one man show. It is either a group of two or more. I just don't get it when others don't want to be part of the team and yet they have to be because in a way the company is paying them monthly so I guess they don't have choice. They've got to participate.

What happened?

A local tv reporter showed up, asking if he can interview someone who is knowledgeable enough regarding how medical transcription is done. I could have done it but I am not a medical transcriptionist, I know the industry but I have not tried doing it so I should have set it up with a real person doing the job. Let us give justice to what is being reported on tv, words should come out from the person who can give the truth on what and how medical transcription is done. I could have do it, I'm a marketing personnel I can make up stories, that's what all other people think of people in sales but I am not going to increase sales in a way that I am fooling and giving false information to possible prospects.

In any way you look at it, it's a business opportunity to increase awareness and it's free. The company won't have to spend anything on that interview. What sucks the most is that the employees running the company, who somehow promised to help this company rise is not at all cooperating. Alright, they don't like to be on tv, I respect that. Can they just think of what to answer before you eventually say what's on your mind?

Yes, this is a rant. Tomorrow this rant will change. Yes, you can answer me back but like you do, you simply just say what your first answer was not thinking that it could have helped the company progress.

A Broken Dreams

I always love to celebrate birthday. I'm a little wiser now that I don't literally celebrate birthday with cakes and all stuff but when it comes to kids ages 5-8 or even 9 yrs old, they would really love those stuff.

I always have a birthday party when Mom was still alive. I stopped having one when she was gone. The last party was my 18th birthday and until now, I still considered it as a sham since Mom was not really there and she died the same year. Before all that realization even happened, I always wanted to have my birthday debut. Who would not want a birthday debut when they reached 18. Since Mom died the same year, I thought I should not had one birthday debut.

I can't go back to that, I have to moved on so I did moved on forgetting all those things. It just so happened that my little nephew celebrated his 8th birthday and all things came back to me again especially when I saw from a child's eye that his parents should be here on his birthday.

It is a very complicated situation. It even got more complicated when both parties pride are prevalent than their supposed to be caring feelings of a proud parents. I personally don't like it at all. The father's side saying he's borrowing the kids for some birthday party. I know I have shown some pride on that situation too but somehow I may say I got the right to show my pride for I was there when the birthday kid was sick, when I have to wake up to get their food ready in the morning, when I need to hug them and kiss them so they will not feel nobody loves them for basically both of the parents are not around.

I do not say I am the only one at this, as for the moment, there are help from the birthday kid's grandmother, two hired nanny for each of the boys. I am trying to make things simplified, and the fact to that complexity is that the boy has a mother and a father. That's it. The concerned who are supposed to be oblige to do the obligations and responsibilities are more concern on fighting and exchange unsolicited opinions when it don't matter for the moment.

Yes, you have to angry and mad at each other for you've committed something that had hurt the others' feelings but what's the point with fighting when we all know each year the boy turned a year older and sooner will understand what's going on? What do you expect me to answer to him when he ask, why is it that my classmates' mom and dad are here and I only have my mother's cousin to check on me?

My point is, times like these everyone should not waste time on letting out what is solely for the good of one but for the good of everyone. I know for one, if I get to decide to leave the house because I know I am not oblige to take care of the boys but if I do that, I would hurt the boys feelings and most probably they would feel nobody really loves them. I don't care if I have spent so much or so little for the boys what matter is that they won't feel that the world hated them or the one that should be showing love hated them.

Can't we all just put all hurt feelings aside and let the boys have a brighter future? What is broken will forever be broken but don't include what's for the kids.

I Want You Back

It is always a great feeling to be in love to somebody. In a relationship nowadays, it is hard to find someone who loves you and someone whom you love as well. Rarely, I see people in that situation. Some guys would really pursue the girls of their dreams and doesn't care if the girl either love them back or simply like them. I do not say that I know how to tell or when to tell that both are in love with each other or not.

It is a happy feeling to talk to your love one, even a single hi and hello would make you smile. I loved that feeling and I missed that feeling. I do not intend to make a relationship perfect, there will always be something that will most likely test both of you. Definitely hard to be in a water where you have to decide, move on or forget about it.

There are no relationships that are the same. I know for one for I couldn't find any similarity on my past relationship. Although, I am really attracted to give the last relationship I had another chance. I just have so many questions still. I also find myself demand things from him that I know he's not ready to give.

All these can somehow be what you felt. These are what I feel right now. Should I give in and what, eat my pride? Should I just let it be and look for someone else? In all of these things, I have learned to love myself more and even know myself more. I like it when I know that I am becoming more mature person. Although part of that growing is somehow changing my attitudes. I can't seem to find control in choosing my reactions especially when I get to talk to my ex. I am more of a grumpy person that I am a sweet girl to my ex. I'd love to be the same person to him but I don't want to give him the impression that I am willing to go back with him. I also have my pride and part of that pride is to make sure I won't be hurt again. I got to love the person whoever he is, yes I can do that, I simply can't give love if that person doesn't give love to himself as well. If you were the guy, you should be more stronger than the girl. That would include the fact that when you have to decide on something, make a stand and it don't matter if you are wrong or right on that decision you just have to make that stand and don't leave it all up to the power of nature or fate.

If you let "all up to you" phrases to lead your life, there wouldn't be nowhere to go to. There wouldn't be any progress and plus, guys should be strong for the relationship, and the girl should lead a relationship. This is in my opinion, you might want to react on this opinion. But it doesn't stop there, for some of the times it can be vice versa. It all depends on what you both are into. I think this is how things should be because you both love each other. This is how things should be because you both believe in each other and part of that believing is again loving each other.

You don't actually need to change, because if you were true to what you say, it will show through your actions. If you say, you'd say it all from the heart then don't answer back with "all up to you" because it is not from your heart. You'd say that only because you don't want to hurt the other party. You'd say that because you are afraid. You just have to take that risk, I definitely have decided to take that risk but it doesn't seem to be going forward. Giving lines that somehow tells what I wanted to say but it you just can't read what's between the lines because you are too busy thinking "I might hurt her again."

Getting hurt is part of everything. You can't take that out. If you don't want to hurt someone tell the truth. There's nothing wrong with telling the truth. It is a lighter feeling to tell the truth rather than to delay telling the truth. If you want to suspend telling the truth, there are a greater chances the other party would know, and would know the truth from another channel. Relationships is run by both party not by the guy or the girl.

Skype Conversations

[7/22/2008 5:29:44 PM] JD (CSR/TSR) says: i need to go back to school and learn to spell
[7/22/2008 5:51:16 PM] H says: why?
[7/22/2008 5:51:46 PM] JD (CSR/TSR) says: so i can spell
[7/22/2008 5:53:52 PM] H says: what for?
[7/22/2008 5:54:28 PM] JD (CSR/TSR) says: so when i want to type something i can spell it
[7/22/2008 5:55:09 PM] H says: ok
[7/22/2008 5:55:37 PM] JD (CSR/TSR) says: there alot of words i can't spell
[7/22/2008 5:55:59 PM] H says: i really don't understand why you need that kind of ability
[7/22/2008 5:56:26 PM] JD (CSR/TSR) says: we do a lot of email here at work
[7/22/2008 5:59:00 PM] H says: so you want to put spell on your emails
[7/22/2008 5:59:04 PM] H says: i see...
[7/22/2008 5:59:18 PM] H says: when you do know how to create a spell don't ever email me LOL
[7/22/2008 5:59:55 PM] JD (CSR/TSR) says: you like it when i mess up
[7/22/2008 6:00:38 PM] H says: ha??
[7/22/2008 6:00:44 PM] H says: did you?
[7/22/2008 6:00:59 PM] JD (CSR/TSR) says: i do all the time
[7/22/2008 6:01:50 PM] H says: you didn't... you just acted on something quick in which you didn't use your head
[7/22/2008 6:02:09 PM] H says: so turned out to be a mistake later...
[7/22/2008 6:02:31 PM] JD (CSR/TSR) says: thats happens alot to
[7/22/2008 6:03:44 PM] H says: every human do that..
[7/22/2008 6:03:59 PM] H says: water for me first... can't reach the glasses
[7/22/2008 6:04:28 PM] JD (CSR/TSR) says: ok
[7/22/2008 6:18:58 PM] H says: broke 5 glasses today and they all come rushing
[7/22/2008 6:19:40 PM] JD (CSR/TSR) says: that means they care about there glasses lol
[7/22/2008 6:21:46 PM] H says: yeah... they do
[7/22/2008 6:22:00 PM] JD (CSR/TSR) says: i was joking
[7/22/2008 6:24:35 PM] H says: ok
[7/22/2008 6:24:51 PM] H says: i like breaking things
[7/22/2008 6:24:57 PM] JD (CSR/TSR) says: i see you got a nice pic of your self today
[7/22/2008 6:25:03 PM] H says: im taking that out
[7/22/2008 6:25:09 PM] JD (CSR/TSR) says: why
[7/22/2008 6:25:18 PM] H says: just shy
[7/22/2008 6:25:19 PM] JD (CSR/TSR) says: don't be a brat
[7/22/2008 6:27:13 PM] H says: thanks for calling me a brat...im proud to be one
[7/22/2008 6:31:50 PM] JD (CSR/TSR) says: in that case im glad to have called you one lol

This is an example of a conversation wherein in a computer mediated conversation the other party thought that "learn how to spell" means like magic spells, and the other party really meant learn how to spell a word.

Makes everyone human and nothing in this world is perfect.

I'm Still Lucky

I have been feeling down lately. There are a couple of reasons why I feel down, I can enumerate them here but for some respect to myself I would like to feel the bottom on my own first. I would personally want to know the why this has to happened kinda stuff. Seeing some kids this morning rushing to the garbage bins to collect plastic bottles was a little bit disappointing because the cab driver almost hit the 9 yr old kid, I think he is still 9 yr old. He's wearing a red shirt and a green baggy shorts. He's not wearing any slippers at all. By his look I can tell, he's wearing that clothes for a month or more now. I definitely can tell also that he needs a bath.

He ran from this corner, crossing the street without looking from his right that the cab I am in is running 20kph. He rushed to this garbage bin, trying so hard to reach the bottom of the bin so he can get more plastic bottles. He is so quick and he just shouted, "Tara na!" (Let's go!). He knows that if he won't be snappy he wouldn't get that much plastic. I can't seem to find his companion.

It was red light, so we stopped and I looked around if I could possibly find his companion. I saw one girl with a dirty white shirt with nothing else on her, approached the cab driver and asked for some coins.

For all these months I thought life was directly hitting hard on me. I lost, I've worked hard and then nothing came for me. I asked myself, "what about those people who have been there for you? They've made you smile, you were happy for once when you were talking to them." I must admit, I am totally having fun when my mind is occupied with a lot of things.

Bottom line is, I have been trying to get rid of pain and I thought working hard is enough to bring my life back again. These kids are not even worried about clothes the next day or what to eat. They don't care if they smell bad. They live life day by day. I'm still lucky and yet I have demands. I want this, I don't like this, I am hurt, I feel hopeless. I don't see all those in the little girls eyes. So I was like, "What the hell happened to you Hunee?" I definitely am sober and yet I have things in life that are so much and I can not simply count them all for I have neglected all of them.

I feel sorry to myself. I got to change. I have to.

I Miss You... I do

If I were to base everything from what this feeling tells me and not of what you've done to me, I would probably say I miss you and I do love you. I don't blame the whole thing to you if that's what you are trying to ask me ever since we started talking again. I know I've done something as well that somehow created the spark to bid each other goodbyes, so it's absurd to ever think it was all your fault.

Since that we are constantly talking to each other again, although we basically started online and we end it all up online too, seeing you again in person would be harmless but somehow I wouldn't deny the eagerness to hug you. No doubt, there are some other things running through my head like we were supposed to get married this year, and we are both aware that the relationship has risen up to another level. A mature people agreed in actions and in words that this is gonna be it, talking relentlessly and without limits whatever this mind and mouth can think and say about. You know what I mean when I say this, but again if I go back to reality, seeing you again would somehow bring me back to those talks of sweetness and passion. I do not guarantee I would keep my distance away from you for I've yearned for your embrace as well but we both know that before the embrace would happen, we've both decided to end the line or cut the thread of what we call love.

Those lovely thoughts and feelings are all gonna be lined up in the memory lane and with the plans to get old together are somehow glimpse that in life, we will be in someone else's arms. If tide would be change and global warming would decrease, these hurting hearts and burning emotions of anger would subside and maybe, and maybe we might go back to each others arms.

For know, I couldn't answer that. I don't know if I am ready or I don't know if the love will cover all the hurt I have felt when you left and when you've kept things from me. In which, I totally believe as a lie.

Trip to the Cemetery

We went to the cemetery last July 13. It was time to time to visit Grandma's and my own mother's grave. Took a shot at how a Filipino cemetery looked like.

If you are in an average family in the Philippines, you might be lucky to be buried decently like this picture.

My Grandmother died of age. She stopped breathing and was basically ill and bed ridden for sometime before she left us. I get my brat attitude from her, I guess. I just don't want to listen. As for my mother, she died in Taiwan. I always thought there was a foul play on her death. But because I was young, I never dared to asked.
For families who have real good green, they build a small house to cater their dead families. I always find this one creepy. I was hoping to get something walking wearing white when I took this picture.

And this is what I call apartment type of cemetery. My younger brother who died as a baby was buried here. Will do dig him up when I will have enough to pay for the expenses.

A New Beginning

Horizons never seemed to end
bridges to pass are endless
Sunrise will soon be seen by these eyes
Eyes who cried for something worth loving

Who am I to stop and deny thy gifts to live life
What should I do to endure it's uncertainty
I am not looking for greatness
I am not longing for perfection

Sire, my happiness is all a wanderer's desire
Please thou bestow on me these wishes my heart make
Let thou partake life in such brevity
That thy life will be as what thou I shall be

Am BACK!!

I miss blogging. I'm writing more on paper than on my blog. I have totally neglected this and I will post three posts these weekend so expect it.

Thanks for dropping by. Don't forget to leave your comments, it'll help me to do better.

Whenever I See Your Smiling Face

Yep! It's a popular song from James Taylor. And it is in connection with my personal happiness.

M called in today. He's the one person making me smile since last April and May and until now. So I hope you like the song too.

Whenever I see your smiling face
I have to smile myself
Because I love you (Yes, I do)
And when you give me that pretty little pout
It turns me inside out
There's something about you, baby (I don't know)

(Chorus)
Isn't it amazing a man like me
Can feel this way
Tell me how much longer
It will grow stronger every day
Oh, how much longer

I thought I was in love
A couple of times before
With the girl next door
But that was long before I met you
Now I'm sure that I won't forget you
And I thank my lucky stars
That you are who you are
And not just another lovely lady
Sent down to break my heart

Isn't it amazing a man like me
Can feel this way
Tell me how much longer
It can grow stronger every day
How much longer

No one can tell me that I'm doing wrong today
Whenever I see you smile at me
No one can tell me that I'm doing wrong today
Whenever I see your smiling face my way
No one can tell me that I'm doing wrong today
No one can tell me that I'm doing wrong today

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Note: My real name is Princess Maye but everyone calls me......