Working Holidays

I miss this part of me. I miss writing relentlessly not minding my grammar and I just want to blurt it out like I used to. I do not care if you get to understand everything or you don't.

I thought I was lucky to get this deal. Change that, I am happy to get that deal but not to the extent that I am gonna be working for the holidays. Or should I consider that it is part of that deal? So alright, I was just not ready to change my sleeping habits to something like a vampire or creature of the night.

I got myself into this so I would to stay and endure it. Even if I was told put my hands off the project, I can not turn my back on it. I need this done and I will be part of it even if I don't do it 100% because some people placed their trust on my leadership.

Great! Life sucks and who wouldn't know it doesn't. Surprises and surprises...and I am pretty sure there's more to come.

As much as I wanted to earn big bucks, I do not want to earn it while bringing others down. It is not my style and I am raised to live with my values. I do appreciate the honesty and I am sad that you told me this when everything else is getting better. I get to help you find your client and then my world just drop for 48 hours because you felt like I am competing with your business. Professionaly, I do know when to stop especially after putting myself into your shoes. It is not on my list to bring someone down and bring myself up. It is a smart thing to do but, again, I have my values. So do not feel threatened or what because I am not going to be the person to bring you down. Never

I wish there was something to make this go away or to erase what had happened.

I sat in front of my computer and a pop up appeared and say Jerry has a mail for me. I opened it up then I was shocked at what I have read. Brought me to tears, called my friend Daisy and I just could not held it for long I just have to cry.

Initial reaction, I was furious. I was so mad and my precious years of waiting was placed to nothing. No, it was nothing at all from the beginning and I never thought it that way for I was brought to believe he was for real.

I have decided to just let it be for I do not have any other good choice to make. I do not simply want to even think of revenge, although I can not deny that I really thought about it. I was devastated. I felt like the world turned against me and that everything is planned that this was truly the end.

I just can not allow that hurt to endure forever so I tried to forget about everything. I thought it was the right thing to do. I do not know about fate or something like that but I was glad I found him online again so I can talk to him and straight things up.

Then it started again. I was so naive, so dumb, so stupid for believing in him again. What hurts the most is that the 3 years with him was nothing, and I felt like he never really cared for he never showed any signs that he knew me at all or at least remember my birthday. For all those years he never memorized some important facts about me. I thought, my God, what did I do to deserve all these? What did I do to be in this? This has got to be over and I can no longer talk to him.

For awhile, I thought I was fine. Then reading and knowing something was another reminder that this was not over at all. Things are just beginning to unfold. Then one day, he came up to me saying, I could not hurt him so I go through hurting his family. I said, oh my fucking god! I did not do anything and I was accused of something? This was all fucking bullshit! He is with me for 3 years and he thought about me hurting a family. If I could have done that I could have done it a long time ago and not wait for that long to get even with him.

I was so mad. My head aches a lot after being told about that. I was not raised like that. I can not simply let that be. This is my integrity this is who I am and he would just say things like that without even knowing why it happened to him and not directly point out fingers of who is the suspect and especially thought about me as the suspect for he was with me for 3 long years.

I can not believe I fell in love with a person like him.

I have tried my best not to get connection with you. I do not want to ever communicate with you because you just made my life like a hell. I regret the day that I have met you. Do not ever assume that I am trying to hurt your family because I am not raised that way. If I am that kind of person then I could have done it a long time ago.

It is so sad that after all the loyalty and honesty that I gave you for 3 long years, you still do not know me at all. I do not want to think things nor assume but I have been pretty dumb all those 3 years because I did not know I was just for play time. I was just for fun. You led me to believe that this is you. That this is how you look.

I can not deny I have learned something from all of these. I do not want to let that learnings go. I do not want to be ever talking to you ever again. I had enough. I deserve better. Better than the lies that you gave.

I just want to raise the numbers so I can get out of this situation. They all expected something spectacular from me and I can not even run it when others are merely expecting and not helping. I can not get out of this because it is not the right time for this thing definitely needs help not just from me but ffrom everyone else involved in this.

It is always feel great to see someone happy. This time it did made me happy but made me sad as well. It made me sad because I like the "someone". I admit, I am jealous so I'm writing it here so I can express it out and maybe ask from you to poke me and say, "Wake up! Hunee. Doh!"

It's not a One Man Show

A team is never going to be a one man show. It is either a group of two or more. I just don't get it when others don't want to be part of the team and yet they have to be because in a way the company is paying them monthly so I guess they don't have choice. They've got to participate.

What happened?

A local tv reporter showed up, asking if he can interview someone who is knowledgeable enough regarding how medical transcription is done. I could have done it but I am not a medical transcriptionist, I know the industry but I have not tried doing it so I should have set it up with a real person doing the job. Let us give justice to what is being reported on tv, words should come out from the person who can give the truth on what and how medical transcription is done. I could have do it, I'm a marketing personnel I can make up stories, that's what all other people think of people in sales but I am not going to increase sales in a way that I am fooling and giving false information to possible prospects.

In any way you look at it, it's a business opportunity to increase awareness and it's free. The company won't have to spend anything on that interview. What sucks the most is that the employees running the company, who somehow promised to help this company rise is not at all cooperating. Alright, they don't like to be on tv, I respect that. Can they just think of what to answer before you eventually say what's on your mind?

Yes, this is a rant. Tomorrow this rant will change. Yes, you can answer me back but like you do, you simply just say what your first answer was not thinking that it could have helped the company progress.

When It is Enough

There has been a lot of times when you would just swallow your pride because of different reasons under different circumstances. One can be because you don't see a way out and you thought it was the end of the road, you simply have to go into a small pathway like the needle to be able to get through life's challenges.

When do you say it is enough? Would you rather do it over and over again only because you are into the same situation and you thought it was appropriate?

The obvious thing is that you have been over and over that situation and you did not learn anything from it. You thought life is short and you wanted to live it happy. Then think about this, if you want to live life happy keep your feet grounded. It is not because you have been through life's misery you would now decide to party each night and pretend life blessing would be the same all of your life.

I wish I know how to tell you straightforward and still would not hurt your feelings but dude, grow up. Life is all about you. What you do, what you make out of every minute given to you everyday. If it comes to money, you can always work for it. Don't tell me you can't go to work only because you were not able to finish college. When you were given the chance to go to college did you do well? Did you go to school like you always say you will? Now you're telling me you can't find work. Who's fault is that?

You are actually given another chance now. You can go back to school but of course you're too shy because you're not that young anymore. When you were young did you ever thought of the fact that every morning you are getting older and that you can not just say, I'll just do it tomorrow.

I hope you do get to read this. I wanted to help but you looked at me as if I was making everything worse for you.

I have been giving too much and I'd like to give something to myself but I don't want to spend money from my wallet. For 5 times, I tried to click the Flickr Pro Account Purchase but I always cancel in the end. Since I like to have lots of pics posted since I am getting that camera I always wanted, would you like to pay for my Flickr Pro Account?

This is silly but I just want to let this thought out loud. Not really wanting to beg but if you would want to give, why the hell not.

Consider this as a rant to myself for I've neglected myself too much and I am supposed to love me or even have that little bit of crush for myself now.

Consider this post as another hit to my face. This is another wake up call. I have to give something to myself.

Nonsense New Year Resolution

A new year and a new promises to one self. Why? Is it because people are realizing they've got to change because they have to be good for the new year? Or they are just telling us that these are the promises and promises are made to be broken.

It is so not entertaining for one to tell everyone that he's/she's going to do better this year and he or she is no longer gonna be this and that. One should grow up and stop mumbling stupid resolutions. One does not hold the fate in his or her hands. One has to acknowledge that he or she is human and that humans shape and mold his future through his or her decision today. So if one decide to be good this 2008, he or she will never be good at all. Why? Because his or her body does not tell nor change for the better.

If you want to change then change now. How? Don't tell people about it. Tell yourself.

No one cares if you say you'll change. They will care if they see changes on you.

Some say, I will not cheat. You won't cheat this 2008 only if you tell your partner you cheated last 2007. Changes means acceptance and acceptance means forgiveness. Then there is serenity and pureness.

Resolutions are futile if there was no actions to it.

Nonsense.

Word of Honor

Recently, I received an email from someone in India. His name is Aditya and this is his email to me.

Hi,

Do you remember me?

I had asked for your address to send you a birthday card from India? (aditya@aditto.info)

Well, I have been reading your blog. I am adding it to my favorite blogs... http://aditto.wordpress.com

I love to read your blog and it reflects a good intellect and a very deep understanding of life in and around yourself.

Keep writing.
Best wishes.
Aditya.

Thank you so much for the kind words. I never intend to write to get appreciation but I only intend to say what I want to say. It all started with one comment someone told me. He said, "This girl doesn't know what the internet is all about. Let's see what this stalker will give us in the future."

I was called a stalker by a person who's surname was Ross. I didn't like the way he talked about me because he made me a campus online buzz. As much as I want the attention because I was just a new blogger at that time, I didn't like the way it all started. I don't want to be following someone or stalking someone. I am Asian and I am proud of that but the mere fact that they think I am a stalker and because I am an Asian doesn't give him the right to talk that way. In every word that I write on this blog are words that are carefully chosen so that I can avoid any racist act or anything that can hurt ones feelings towards what I call freedom of speech.

I got furious but I don't want to stoop down to their level and argue with them. I stopped. I don't want to fight about it because in their mind, I was only a typical Asian girl who has something to say but who cares. Nobody cares what my thoughts are and what I say about life. I stood up to that decision and in a year, I've opened up, met new people online. I was trying to understand their culture and their beliefs. I was trying to make them understand my side as well. Some accepted who I am and what I stand. Others retracted because I was a waste of time.

What I strongly believe is that my life is the result to how others look at me, and how others look at me is a result of what I am to them, as what they've known who I am and where I come from. The only people that knows me best is myself, my friends and my family. What other people know me less are the ones who look at where I come from, a general judgment.

My posts, my articles, my sentences, my phrases, and my words sums up to who I am.

Wicked Agenda

I am disappointed that some people are using me to go up of the ladder. I worked hard to get to where I am, and the only thing that is so precious to me right now is me credibility to others who know me.

What I do at work is entirely the same with what I do when I am not at work. I live a life both online and offline. What I am offline is the same as to who I am online. I don't want to hide anything for I'd like to start wandering as a nomad as the person whom I introduced to the common public, may it be online or offline.

I have this huge dream board. The dream board was set aside when I am disappointed but I would hurry back and put it in front of me again, especially when I am sleeping and waking up, I have to see that dream board. With that dream board, I was able to come up with a blog title, "Wandering Nomad" It is redundant but I like the way it sound plus I can be going to this place again and again so I think it is okay to use that title. I only love to travel. That's my agenda. I am aware that some people's agenda are not the same with my agenda. They might not know it but somehow a good agenda can in turn be a bad or wicked agenda, or I might not know it that to others my agenda is a wicked agenda. But how do you make an agenda a good agenda? It is a simple answer, be true to what you just told your listeners.

I tell my readers that this blog tells who I am. When I speak at a large crowd, I tell them who I am. No more, no less. I don't have to use other people's name to get to where I am now. Before, some laugh at me because somehow my posts sucks. I am aware of that but I won't get to be a good writer in the future if I don't write bad posts today. Annoying it may be, but some readers are into reading just to find faults from the doings of another. Some writers are into writing because they wanna be talking about another person and hide their faces so they won't be hunted. Sad but true, and I respect that for they want it that way. I am not born to be a clone for another but I am born to be a catalyst to another.

This personal blog contains my thoughts, my work, my life, my love, my rant, and other stuff that I love to do and admire. You can disregard it. There may be two or three reasons why you don't like it. I know one, you simply don't like it because your ego got hurt. You simply could not deny that you were using me to your wicked agenda. On the contrary, I like the attention though.

Why do some people like to stick to old school and don't want to welcome what's new and embraced reality that this is life. It is supposed to change and we are supposed to adapt. And so because you decided not to adapt and ask me why, do expect that I will tell you the hard truth.