Lessons 102

I don't know why new friends, former classmates, old friends and etc would come to ask me the same questions again and again. Why do you need to work so hard? And how do you manage to be on the clock 16-18hours daily?

I've always been dreaming of running my own company ever since. I told myself once, maybe this is what I always wanted to do in the future or maybe this is where my skills and my approach to life leads me to be doing for forever.

There were a lot of sacrifices and the other wonderful part of doing it is being able to help myself achieve and get things I've always wanted, and give what my family needs.

I don't earn that much but slowly I'm getting there and I know that. I have great confidence in what I do and I take pride in what I do.

With all my hardships, I've been through ups and downs and I've cried, I've lost, I've invested again and then again I've lost but it doesn't make me decide to quit. I've did what I thought is right. I don't know if I have stepped on someone. There is one thing I'm sure of not getting is finding myself a man and settling down.

I don't regret it but it made me think especially when I'm alone. I also didn't get to be that outgoing with a lot of people. But I do spend a lot of time online.

I can't have both worlds that could and would make me happy. I can't have everything I always wanted. In the first place, I know I can't be forever happy but somehow I still find happiness although not the everlasting type.

I don't know if I've been a good daughter or a good sister. All I know is I am being me and I worked hard to get to where I am.

Waaaaaaaaaaaa!!

I can't think of any title for this post. I couldn't believe I've been quiet for so long. I haven't wrote anything in the past months. Gosh! I miss this.

Like I always said, blogging is one way of expressing myself, what I feel, what I think about this and that. I am so not into social web past months. I have been very busy plus there were trips outside the country.

The first trip was for fun. Trip was all about spending time with friends. Friends back at the university. Everyone else was busy with these and that and getting out of the country was one way to get me and friends really spend hours talking, walking, eating together and etc...

Then I decided to quit on my job. I got this new job and moved out of Davao, went to Manila, now in Sucat, Paranaque doing medical billing. Like I always expected. Getting yourself into something new is never easy. This was my thought when I first got this job offer in February. I know that I am used to things within MTC and now if I will accept the offer, I will definitely have to start from the beginning.

Life goes on. Life is never easy. I'm happy though. Keep smiling.

My First Macau Experience

It is always fun to be in a new place and the best thing to do to check the new place out is go out and walk your way around, that if you are going to be in a small city.

Getting myself to visit Macau is not easy. Getting my ticket, passport and all other stuff plus I am working so I can't think straight of what else I need to be able to get to Macau.

When we were about to touch down, pilot said that it's going to be 19 degrees celcius when we get to Macau. I don't think it's 19, I think it is less than 19. I said, 'Fuck! It's cold.' Seriously, it is cold. I am not used to cold. I need more socks, a human body to keep me warm. Lucky me I have a human body hehe... Nahhh.... don't ask me for details.

The next day was fun. We were in Taipa and a bus can take us to Macau. There are different bus stops and you need to learn some Portugese because it is not easy to learn Chinese so learning Portugese is better. Everything is in Chinese and Portugese. This small island was once ruled by Portugese. There are a lot of structures that are almost the same structures found in the Philippines. Everything is high rise. You can't see a single house in here or I wasn't able to see one maybe I need to walk more.

When you are in Taipa, you can see China already. Macau and China is like a creek away from each other. You'd know that because you'd see China's Flag on the other side of the creek. I haven't been to casinos yet nor I planned to go there but someone told me that there are stores inside and you can just do shopping and you don't have to play. Would love to try bungee jumping but I think my knees got week. I think I'll pass on that.

I'll write more in few days.

Wandering too Much at Work

It had been weeks since the last post. I've been busy. I don't know why but work is like looking for me. There was too much work to do and then there's more coming in and I don't want to send it away because I know I can find someone to do it for me. Like delegate it to someone who is capable to do the job.

I like the idea that despite recession in the US, I was able to receive from time to time transcription work. And although I don't get that much the point is when you convert that to peso it is much better than getting minimum wage. Still I don't do the job so I don't get anything from it. Just the increase in profile ranking.

I'm back tho. :D weeee!!!!!

Working Holidays

I miss this part of me. I miss writing relentlessly not minding my grammar and I just want to blurt it out like I used to. I do not care if you get to understand everything or you don't.

I thought I was lucky to get this deal. Change that, I am happy to get that deal but not to the extent that I am gonna be working for the holidays. Or should I consider that it is part of that deal? So alright, I was just not ready to change my sleeping habits to something like a vampire or creature of the night.

I got myself into this so I would to stay and endure it. Even if I was told put my hands off the project, I can not turn my back on it. I need this done and I will be part of it even if I don't do it 100% because some people placed their trust on my leadership.

Great! Life sucks and who wouldn't know it doesn't. Surprises and surprises...and I am pretty sure there's more to come.

The Leader in Me

There has been many times that my pride was hurt. I have principles in life that I stick through so I can survive. It is not new to me to change those principles because I believe everyday this world is growing.

No matter how many times I wanted to take the right path, there are times that I question my principles because somehow, at the back of my mind I am thinking, I needed to be the first. I can not forever be letting others be ahead of me.

The human nature to be greedy and selfish. I do not deny that because even it is just in my head, I am still being greedy. Somehow this thing in my head just comes out through my actions. I do not intend to be it like that but I have to decide to be greedy sometimes in order to know that I am wrong. And all these times, I have to act it so I can be reprimanded and then I would get the chance to realize and recall all over. That way I can be better. But I am sorry if I have hurted you.

As much as I wanted to earn big bucks, I do not want to earn it while bringing others down. It is not my style and I am raised to live with my values. I do appreciate the honesty and I am sad that you told me this when everything else is getting better. I get to help you find your client and then my world just drop for 48 hours because you felt like I am competing with your business. Professionaly, I do know when to stop especially after putting myself into your shoes. It is not on my list to bring someone down and bring myself up. It is a smart thing to do but, again, I have my values. So do not feel threatened or what because I am not going to be the person to bring you down. Never

Christmas Wishlist

It is Christmas time once again. I have listed the things I wanted to have this Christmas or at least get them all next year.

1. Nikon D80
2. Laptop (No preference)
3. Client for transcription work (legal, medical, general or business transcriptions)
4. Move to a new apartment.
5. Open another bank account (that means I have the initial deposit for this account)
6. One pair of shoes
7. Pants
8. 5 new blouses
9. Passed the exams for my training (out of the country kind of training)
10. Me to find my guy (awwwww!)

As much as I want to have them all, I know I cannot but I'm hoping I can have them all in few months time or something like that.

Tagged

And so I was tagged. Alright, I am playing the game only because momma @Devyl said so.

Step #1 - Link to the person who tagged you. Devylgyrl

Step #2 - Write Five Fun/Interesting Facts about yourself. This gives fellow bloggers (and your readership) a chance to actually get to know you better.

1. I am single and dating and not dating. Workaholic to the max, if there is such thing.
   
2. I am always on time and I hate waiting for people even for 5 minutes. I just value my time that is why.
   
3. Always online for like 18 hours a day. I just lurk most of the time because with my kind of work I cannot concentrate if I say I am available for a talk or something.
   
4. I read books which tells that I am boring sometimes. (NO I AM NOT!)
   
5. I need an employer to hire me as a trainee in the US so I can work and experience work in there. I think it is one way for me to understand their culture.
   

Step #3 - Tag Six Other People and link to their blogs. Then let them know you’ve tagged them by twittering them or leaving a comment on their blog.

1. Jacklhasa
2. Michelle
3. MTC Academy
4. JCI- Agila Filipina
5. Jesatiu
6. I can not think of anyone else.
   

Quote: "Your Sex Life is Boring."

I have been blogging for a year and a half now. I have been active with social networking sites. My daily routine would be waking up in the morning checking what happened in the last hours that I have been asleep. When I get to the office I still get online and check again and I would be online for all day long. When I get home I still do come online and check again. Some find it boring and a friend of mine describe my life by comparing it to sex. He said, "Your sex life is boring. If you were not laid last night you are contented with reading sex blogs." I was just like, "Wow! People from other country are really comfortable talking about sex especially with the opposite sex."

The diversity of people from different culture, from different homes, from different believes are meeting online to unintentionaly mention or discuss topics of who they are, how they are brought up and what they believe and etc.

I can be offended with that reaction from someone whom I did not meet personally but in my mind, it was my decision to be online, to create an online profile might as well be open to the fact that for others to say what they need to say and want to say for they thought it was not offensive or insulting. In the long run, I had a better appreciation towards others and how to care about others as well. I have noticed their wanting to be heard but not really insinuating that there response should be done or is correct. It was a simple reaction that needed to be heard. And I, as the one who heard it from him, needed to open my mind to a bigger thinking that life is not described as to what I want it to be. Life is not me but me with others whether online or offline.

It must be easy for my friend to describe my life in terms of "SEX" for one, he is a guy. Second, he must be comfortable with sex than anything else. And it must be the first thing that come out from his mind. Whatever are his reasons are, I should not take it as offensive or insulting. There are two things I do keep in mind that when you are online, you attract friends ,and second you attract enemies.

He made a last comment though because he knew I might be offended. He said, "I may have described it to sex, it does not mean that I am trying to imply that you should have sex because it is fun. No doubt sex is fun and sex is done by two responsible person."

It was pretty obvious that after describing it to sex he was immediately aware that he was not talking to someone like his kind. That he was talking to me. And I just blush.

I Try to Change Me

I had been busy lately. I can not deny that. My life was focused on to saving more so I can gain more. Practically you can see it like investing on a stock. You tend to watch how the stock works and the bullish and the bearish ways that a particular stock can be. Hoping it will always be bullish and would never experienced going down or bearish. The more it is going up the more you think of not stopping it because you are gaining more. Your full attention are at the Bloomberg Channel or the newspapers. You might be good at calculating and predicting what will happen like those in the stock market, you just do not stop.

I was focused to that. I was focused on a straight path to where I want to be and would like to be at in few months or days if possible. I delayed my happiness in the hope to be better at this part of my life. I just totally lost who I was before.

It is not a bad thing to be at. I mean it is part of growing and some things got to changed. But changes in me was drastic. I do not even know if I have missed one meeting with friends, am I answering all their SMS or calls to me, or was I giving them lame excuses. Even if I have time to see them, my body do not seem to be interested in seeing them anymore because I have worked too much and the days that are supposed to be for leisure was spent in bed trying to recover the lost hours of sleep.

My point here is that if I am neglecting my friendship with you or you think I was getting this huge head on top of me and I am blabbing things that you think was not the original me, I am sorry. I also would like to point out that I would really want to grow and part of growing is to change. But if you think I was not changing for the better, an email, or if you know my number, a call will always be an option for you to tell me that I am way too much and it is not healthy.

I admit to be changing a lot. I have let go of my smiling avatar and decided to seldom use my smiling pics because I would want others to see me serious this time. I think that was wrong for me to do because before when I used those smiling pictures it just gave me a reminder everyday that I have to refocus and rethink everything before uttering something or even deciding on things. When I see happy faces it always make me think twice like, am I going to do this to give everyone happiness or just me?

I do believe that whenever you do something you do not only think of what it can give to you but what it can give to others that surrounds you. But when I decided to change, I have pushed that idea away and now I have realized that it was wrong. I have got to change to something better.

Then again I am human and I make mistakes and it is not too late for me to change that. I only have to admit that I made mistake and hopefully learn from that mistake and move on. Always better to admit mistake than not to.

My Bling Bling

I spent too much for some people and I do not get to spend even for myself. I do not like that attitude but sad to say that attitude is my attitude. The good thing about it though is I do not get to spend my money for other people but only my family. I do deserve to buy my own stuff too with the money I am earning from work.

This is mine!!!

I Support @MailOurMilitary

I support any organization that has a heart. I support everyone's main objectives are not for himself alone. I give support not because they are like my color. I give support not because I was forced to. I give support not because I was paid to do it.

2009 Objectives

I wanted to be a "Trainee" in anywhere of the US soil. The reason behind it is I would like to explore more avenues of building my career. I am single and workaholic. I am guessing that I am way to busy to even think of me settling down even if my batchmates are settling down.

I am currently busy with gathering all required papers and reviewing own training outline. I am hoping though that I can get this done and deal kind of thing. I was expecting some help from people I know but unfortunately I do not see any willingness to help me. I will still push this agenda and pray that I will get this.

There is no one to help me with this but only me. If ever someone will lend their hands I will gladly accept that.

My Motorcycle Accident

Walking down memory lane. I wandered off as I am sipping a hot coffee on a Sunday morning, staring at how beautiful the sun is that day.

I got into an accident last Saturday, October 11, 2008 at exactly 7:37 a.m. My Unlce has this motorcycle and he is going downtown, I thought I should hitch a ride. Placed my helmet on, my bag on my left shoulder and my iPod on my left hand while my right hand holds on to my Uncle's shoulder. We are turning right when suddenly this pick up truck turn right and the pick up truck is on the wrong lane. The driver turns the wheel to the right and make sure that he would not hit the car in front of him. When he steps on the gas it turns right and hit us. My Uncle had more scratches and bruises than I am.

It was not my typical Sunday morning because I just felt someone woke me up and whispered, "Wake up!". I knew I had to stand up and wander around the house. I washed my face and fix a cup of hot coffee then opened the door. Seeing sunshine with yellow, red, and orange colors, I thought somebody could have been dead yesterday. I feel pain, and I still feel the warmth of the ray of the sun, but I was glad I was not dead nor I had too many bruises or I end up in the hospital. I was glad I was not. I was glad it was just fever, bruises and body pains.

It was so weird because when my right side hits the street gutter, the first thing on my mind was my cellphone, my iPod and money. I never felt how it hurts so much to hit that gutter.

I will never know when I will die. I will never know when it is "Times up!" for me. I am scared thinking what if it was really that fatal? What if we were not running that slow?

What if I am dead?

(Picture courtesy of Picasa)

Corporate World

It is a typical day at the University where you go in the classroom because you have a class. Professor talks about the good the bad and the ugly in accordance to what his experience are and what the recommended book says. You were unintentionaly lead to the belief that you will be doing this and that once you work for real. You set your mind into something hypothetical. It is not real at all. It is real for him for they have experienced it whilst the facts that were detailed and taught to us his students.

The funniest is after college. I thought it is easier to put up and manage my own business. If I solely depend on my education, I would be running my business to disaster. Eventually that happened to me. I spent thousands of pesos on to a desktop plublishing business, although I made it to breakeven but to any businessman a breakeven does not mean profit.

It is hard to believe and especially accept that I paid college tiution at a prestigious university only to believe on hypothesis and make myself over confident that I can make it big in the next five years. I have somehow realized that I did that to myself and not my professors or the university I went to. I made the choice and I made the assumptions so I have to blame me. Going back to "hard to believe and especially accept", blaming myself is another example to that.

I am now working butt off, working hard both day and night. I felt I am not paid what I believe, is due to me. Then again I must think I was squeezing my staff because I was literally not earning enough to pay what is due to them. I step back and think again that my professors are right. I just understood them in a different way and that understanding is only to my advantage.

The world where I am now keeps me up to date to what is new. I love it because my body seems to be enjoying it too despite the stress, pressure, body pains, lack of sleep, not eating at the exact time or skipping meals and etcetera.

The corporate world is not always as relaxing as compared to university or college days. Once you are working, you will feel beat up at the end of the day. You will love it when it is pay day. You will slowly see yourself wanting a credit card. You will see yourself wearing branded clothes. You will see yourself buying gadget every Christmas bonus. You will see your shoe rack with shoes that you do not actually need. You will see yourself eating at a fancy restaurant. You will love it, hate it, despise coworker or even your boss. You will feel victory and receive memo for unsatisfactory conduct. And the list goes on.

Aftermath of Quitting

I am so afraid of quitting. Normally I would like to do something for a long time but when I am finally doing and enjoying, at one point in time I just do not want to continue doing it. Inside me is a battle of whether or not to move to the next level or should I say.

After so many times of feeling down after another is like a roller coaster ride that never end. I started to view the other side of my coin, appreciating what today has for me and stop worrying about my future and lingering on my past. What makes it even worse is living everyday moving forward because you do not have any other choice after quitting.

The idea of moving on is somehow easy to think but really hard to do. Even if you tell yourself everyday that you got the best foot forward and you are going to be just alright, the other foot seems like nailed on that ground that it does not want to let go.

I got to be strong. I got to be awakened. It just got to be. (Inhale, Exhale)

The Last Episode

It was definitely a great talk and I love how it all end. I was able to know he don't hate me nor he admits that once in his life he called me a "bitch!" even if he don't mean to.

Pretended that I didn't know what he meant but I really want to hear him say goodbye that way I would feel there's nothing to go back to. I know he meant, "see you again soon", but for me if we see each other again soon then maybe it will be fate. Conversation has to end, it has to end because I might leave an impression that at anytime when he's no longer scared I am still there. I am the type that would only wait when I have so much time. I can wait definitely, but not when he no longer love me. I have the feeling he don't want to let go.

He knows how to find me if he really wants to. But I don't think he will. It just shows in his actions.

I'm free!

I Want You Back

It is always a great feeling to be in love to somebody. In a relationship nowadays, it is hard to find someone who loves you and someone whom you love as well. Rarely, I see people in that situation. Some guys would really pursue the girls of their dreams and doesn't care if the girl either love them back or simply like them. I do not say that I know how to tell or when to tell that both are in love with each other or not.

It is a happy feeling to talk to your love one, even a single hi and hello would make you smile. I loved that feeling and I missed that feeling. I do not intend to make a relationship perfect, there will always be something that will most likely test both of you. Definitely hard to be in a water where you have to decide, move on or forget about it.

There are no relationships that are the same. I know for one for I couldn't find any similarity on my past relationship. Although, I am really attracted to give the last relationship I had another chance. I just have so many questions still. I also find myself demand things from him that I know he's not ready to give.

All these can somehow be what you felt. These are what I feel right now. Should I give in and what, eat my pride? Should I just let it be and look for someone else? In all of these things, I have learned to love myself more and even know myself more. I like it when I know that I am becoming more mature person. Although part of that growing is somehow changing my attitudes. I can't seem to find control in choosing my reactions especially when I get to talk to my ex. I am more of a grumpy person that I am a sweet girl to my ex. I'd love to be the same person to him but I don't want to give him the impression that I am willing to go back with him. I also have my pride and part of that pride is to make sure I won't be hurt again. I got to love the person whoever he is, yes I can do that, I simply can't give love if that person doesn't give love to himself as well. If you were the guy, you should be more stronger than the girl. That would include the fact that when you have to decide on something, make a stand and it don't matter if you are wrong or right on that decision you just have to make that stand and don't leave it all up to the power of nature or fate.

If you let "all up to you" phrases to lead your life, there wouldn't be nowhere to go to. There wouldn't be any progress and plus, guys should be strong for the relationship, and the girl should lead a relationship. This is in my opinion, you might want to react on this opinion. But it doesn't stop there, for some of the times it can be vice versa. It all depends on what you both are into. I think this is how things should be because you both love each other. This is how things should be because you both believe in each other and part of that believing is again loving each other.

You don't actually need to change, because if you were true to what you say, it will show through your actions. If you say, you'd say it all from the heart then don't answer back with "all up to you" because it is not from your heart. You'd say that only because you don't want to hurt the other party. You'd say that because you are afraid. You just have to take that risk, I definitely have decided to take that risk but it doesn't seem to be going forward. Giving lines that somehow tells what I wanted to say but it you just can't read what's between the lines because you are too busy thinking "I might hurt her again."

Getting hurt is part of everything. You can't take that out. If you don't want to hurt someone tell the truth. There's nothing wrong with telling the truth. It is a lighter feeling to tell the truth rather than to delay telling the truth. If you want to suspend telling the truth, there are a greater chances the other party would know, and would know the truth from another channel. Relationships is run by both party not by the guy or the girl.

I'm Still Lucky

I have been feeling down lately. There are a couple of reasons why I feel down, I can enumerate them here but for some respect to myself I would like to feel the bottom on my own first. I would personally want to know the why this has to happened kinda stuff. Seeing some kids this morning rushing to the garbage bins to collect plastic bottles was a little bit disappointing because the cab driver almost hit the 9 yr old kid, I think he is still 9 yr old. He's wearing a red shirt and a green baggy shorts. He's not wearing any slippers at all. By his look I can tell, he's wearing that clothes for a month or more now. I definitely can tell also that he needs a bath.

He ran from this corner, crossing the street without looking from his right that the cab I am in is running 20kph. He rushed to this garbage bin, trying so hard to reach the bottom of the bin so he can get more plastic bottles. He is so quick and he just shouted, "Tara na!" (Let's go!). He knows that if he won't be snappy he wouldn't get that much plastic. I can't seem to find his companion.

It was red light, so we stopped and I looked around if I could possibly find his companion. I saw one girl with a dirty white shirt with nothing else on her, approached the cab driver and asked for some coins.

For all these months I thought life was directly hitting hard on me. I lost, I've worked hard and then nothing came for me. I asked myself, "what about those people who have been there for you? They've made you smile, you were happy for once when you were talking to them." I must admit, I am totally having fun when my mind is occupied with a lot of things.

Bottom line is, I have been trying to get rid of pain and I thought working hard is enough to bring my life back again. These kids are not even worried about clothes the next day or what to eat. They don't care if they smell bad. They live life day by day. I'm still lucky and yet I have demands. I want this, I don't like this, I am hurt, I feel hopeless. I don't see all those in the little girls eyes. So I was like, "What the hell happened to you Hunee?" I definitely am sober and yet I have things in life that are so much and I can not simply count them all for I have neglected all of them.

I feel sorry to myself. I got to change. I have to.