"I was cranky since yesterday. I had this feeling that something will come up. I just don't want to lose my momentum for the Saturday's event.
I was born with adversities in life, and I was able to conquer all that because I had been the hard worker nobody would think of. I see life as a challenge that needs to be conquered through hard work and dedication. Although, there had been times that I was thrown to the mud, I stood up and walk again going through the same process with a brave heart that I will soon pass the bridge of uncertainty. Once on the other end, I felt successful no matter others may call me a fool.
So much with the belief that I can do it, I put myself at the bottom, giving others the recognition that I should have. I don't want them to tell me good job because it will distract me to my purpose. A purpose not on getting achievements in paper but achievement that when I am gone, others will think of the little ways I have done for them. I certainly do not want to do things for myself alone, but would like to do it with others who are somehow will benefit in what I do.
Yes, I call myself a hero. But a hero with no name. You can laugh, you can say something cruel, but you can never bring me down. That's me. The real me.
In my past years, I have grown to be someone with courage and pessimistic with all the things I do. Most of the times, I get scared because I know I am human. And if I am down, I blame entirely the me who decides and do what I think should be done. This time its different.
I worked hard on getting things run smoothly as possible. Ask the questions I needed to ask. The real deal is, I do not have enough knowledge what I am into but with trust to the people who are with me all the way, acknowledging that they have graduated in such prestigious schools with a lot of recognition. I put my name in front, for they need me to step forward and do the guerrilla work. I have placed my entire identify by talking to people one by one. People look me in the eye, trying to see something that may mean that I lied to them. I straighten my face with honesty and truthfulness that what I am saying is true.
I've set aside other responsibilities. Then, the day to reckon for the whole year, has come.
Two days before the event, a call was answered. Good thing I was the answering machine, saying the same line over and over again. A call that made my heart beat faster and my mind was saying, I knew this would happen. I did my best to make amends. I told myself to calm down, it will push through. I stayed focus and alert. I waited.
After telling my superior what happened, my superior said it is over. My heart devastated. I can feel the pain in my shoulders now. I can feel my mind explode. A tear rolled down my eye, Saturday's event is canceled.
From the first day I put my heart into the project and now I know it is needed to packed and kept hidden. Now I asked, what could have gone wrong? How come I didn't know about this? Did I forget to ask this?
I wanted to take all the blame but it can't be. I have done my part and it is quite obvious the other party did not. Only because of some assumptions, the other party thought it is not important to discuss. My hard work, my face, my words, proved to be all wrong. I was the guerrilla, not them. I was the one in contact, not them. I was the one who has back pains, not them.
It is a wasted effort. No pain, no gain.
(Will reflect on the subject more and soon I will write posts again)